One word but so much damage. A letter to you, Mum

Hello,

Where do I start but to say we’ve missed out on so much together. We could have and should have had so much more between us as mother and daughter. I look around and see so many beautiful relationships that could have been ours.

I’ve spent years crying over the mother I wanted to have. I wanted so badly a mother that would build me up instead of tearing me down. I grew up doubting myself and still do to this day. I never felt good enough in your eyes and still struggle with this in the eyes of others.

I believed everything you told me and this formed my view of other people and the world around me but it was your world through the eyes of a narcissist.

Yes, narcissist. I don't think I have ever told you face to face that you are a narcissist have I? I’ve learned so much over the last few years and you have a disorder called narcissism, I'm sure of it!

Before you start denying it and shutting me down please hear me out. You have never held back from sharing with me your past, including troubled events. I guess you formed a survival mechanism and part of that was the need to control and bury away the real you.

Yes I know not you, no, its me reading too much into the situation but I know what you are now and no amount of gas-lighting can ever fog this new found knowledge I’ve obtained. I’ve learned how you’ve triangulated the rest of my family to achieve your control over me but that backfired, and now I'm gone.

You see now, you will also never have the experience of seeing a relationship the way you dreamed it would be. That being the relationship between you and your grandchildren. 

Before you start getting angry, know this was not done to hurt you but rather protect my children and myself from further abuse on your part. I now know you can’t help the way you are it’s a part of who you’ve become.

This disorder you have has stolen so much from you and I. We will never be able to be a proper family ever again. No family dinners where we laugh and share our lives. No Christmas holidays around the tree unwrapping gifts together. No trust where we can open up to each other during times of need. No spending time together, you and I shopping or just even going for a coffee together. We were robbed of so much because of narcissism. One word but so much damage.

I’ve mourned the loss of the mother I so very wanted through the years but in the process I’m gaining a love for myself.  I didn’t need your approval or validation but through understanding narcissism I realise it’s not about me and my shortcomings but it's about your personality disorder, narcissism.

I want you to know I love you of course, you are my mother but I am struggling to forgive you. Oh you can continue on as you always have but I will not allow you to affect me as you have all these years.

Mother you have a personality disorder called narcissism and this is why we will never be what we should have been to each other but I will make sure I am that parent to my children.

One word but so much damage.